Or maybe the question should be, what is Valentines Day for me. Let me give you a little back story about myself. And just as a disclaimer, this isn’t directly linked to Valentines Day, but I thought it might be helpful for anyone who is alone on this day.
It’s the fall of 2007.
I am 16 years old. A young peoples group has just formed for homeschoolers ( yes, I was that kid ) and this was the first meeting. I knew a few people there, but for the most part, everyone was new. As I approached the front door, I was very nervous. Social situations and I as a young person had never gotten along. I always felt very out of place and awkward.
The front door opened in front of me and a young man about my age was standing there, welcoming me into his home. He was kind of cute, but that was another thing I knew nothing about, boys. I had just never been around them in a casual sense nor was I taught to really interact with them on a normal level.
I was carrying some pumpkin bread, because I loved to bake and wanted to bring something, and asked where it should go. The young man directed me to the kitchen and I placed it with other food. ( Hang with me, I know this is a lot of details. )
Well, to shorten things a bit, I learned his name and started talking with him. He was very nice and very interesting to talk with. The one thing I kept noticing was how much he was staring at me. I couldn’t really understand why. Was there something odd looking about me? Was I acting weird?
These thoughts were coming from a brain that had always thought there was something wrong with me, since no guy that I had ever had an interest in had shown me the slightest bit of attention.
Honestly, whenever one of my girlfriends would find out who my crush was, she would waste no time in telling him. One particular instance was a girl’s brother, who then promptly found me and told me he did not like me back and to leave him alone.
So, I was very confused by this pointed attention. And he kept asking me questions. I wasn’t opposed to them, but still, it was just kind of weird for me.
The day progressed and I went home. But I kept running into him; at events, at church ( we actually started attending his family’s church for a while, just to see if we liked it ), at the grocery store, the library ( I live in a small town ). And it was really nice. He was really nice. I like him a lot. Like, a whole lot.
Fast forward a year. Over the course of this time, a lot has transpired. I have now become very attached to this young man, we would email everyday, and I even spoke on the phone with him a few times.
I let myself be influenced in ways that I shouldn’t. From being told that we needed to talk to each other less at social functions to flat out saying we just needed to be apart, I had no idea which way to go. His friends kept telling him that he no longer wanted to hang out with them and that he wasn’t fun.
So a year later, I walked into his house for the same group meeting. It felt very similar to that first day and I was looking forward to talking with him and seeing the friends I had made over the year. I walked in, carrying the same dessert and set it down. He was acting really strange and I really couldn’t understand why.
To say that I was pretty blindsided by what happened would be an understatement. He pulled me aside and in the calmest manner possible, told me that things just weren’t working between us and that due to a lot of tension in his family and with his friends, he thought it would be better that we no longer spend any time together.
I was crushed.
Why was this happening? What had I done wrong? Everything I had been told was right, guys don’t care about your feelings, they just want to use you ( which is not true in every case and was not true for this guy at all, I just couldn’t see that at the time ). I tried to go into the other room and pretend that nothing bad had happened. My mom stepped into the room and I burst into tears.
I won’t go through everything else that happened that day. I had to process everything and I really had no idea how. The next few months were of me just burying down feelings and emotions and trying to move forward without feeling sad all that time. We started attending a new church and I made new friends. And life began to move forward, all with me in a very unhealthy place but not even realizing it.
Fast forward to summer 2019. Without going into a lot of detail, a very similar situation transpired, and a lot of different things happened that caused me to start questioning everything I had ever known or thought was normal. I honestly thought I was crazy most of the time and the other half, I was just wanting everything around me to stop.
Then I spiraled into anxiety and depression.
I have never felt more alone or out of control. A friend had recommended something to me and I finally decided to give it a try. I went to counseling and it changed my life.
I found myself stepping into a healthier frame of mind and started to see the light of day. It definitely wasn’t an overnight quick fix, but over time I have unpacked so much and my life has never felt more at peace. Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days and sometimes, I feel like everything is upside down, but for the most part, things are moving in an upward direction.
So, to get back to the question, what is Valentines Day for me? Honestly, it’s a day I use to reflect and look at where I am as a person. Yes, I do long for a relationship with someone, but only the right someone. And right now, I’m still figuring out me, and I’m happy to wait and be single for a while.
For all my single ladies out there, take this day to think about who God is making you into. And where He is taking you on this journey called life. Spend some time just being. Don’t be afraid to feel all the feelings. They are there and given to you for a reason.
Who are you called to be as a person?
And this is not a question I have an answer for yet for me, but with prayer and patience, I know that I can trust Him. Even when my heart is broken, even when I spend Valentines Day alone, even when the future looks bleak. I wrote a post a few years ago that goes more into personhood if you want to read it here.
I hope this post was encouraging if you are spending Valentines Day alone. And if you wanted to talk about anything I wrote, shoot me an email or leave a comment. I would love to connect with you.